In my family, I am "The Master" at preventing my kids meltdowns. I seem to anticipate almost everything, knowing so much about my kids thought process, etc.
So, recently, I re-tried an approach that I tried a few years ago on my 7 year old daughter.
I decided she NEEDS the experience of handling disappointments. I recognized this before, but she just wasn't "ready" for it.
The meltdowns are a major issue. She needs to learn how to "comfort" herself. For instance, she is terrible at falling asleep. My youngest is superb at falling asleep, and can "comfort" himself, just lay down, and find ways to cope with it, etc. With her, I have to explain, explain, explain what to do to fall asleep. Basics, like "close your eyes." To a certain point, it's just her fighting it, not really wanting to sleep. Who does at that age? But she is very strong-willed. She also finds it very difficult to do.
Most moms of Aspies will tell you how important it is to be able to prevent most meltdowns, just to have a somewhat "normal" life. However, eventually, the child can mature past them, with patience, patience, patience.
I often think ahead to my children being married, and how important it will be that they are socially mature enough to handle the ups and down of marriage. We as women often complain about men, but we are the ones who raised these same boys! So, I use it to thump myself in the head with the importance of behavioral issues, specifically the ability to have a good temperment.
So, I tried it, and it worked well. So, I thought I'd share:
She starts screaming/crying about some disappointment (usually not getting what she wants). I walk her to her room, telling her during the trip that "you can come out and join us when you stop screaming. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. But it's not okay to scream about things you don't like."
One thing you don't want to do is give your child attention while they're in time out, which can include you simply explaining what I explained above. So, give your mini-lecture BEFORE the time-out begins, i.e., before you walk away.
She has had these screaming fits before, many times over the years. I figure it's just going to take her longer than N.T.'s (neuro-typicals, i.e. 'normal' kids). So, it's paying off.
I don't display anger at the meltdowns any more - it's just a routine. Believe me, I get tempted to comment back on something she'll say. I get tempted to "say the right words" to help her see that what I'm doing IS fair. There are all kinds of temptations to get me to talk to her. Kicking the door has required me to intervene. But now, I don't. Because I'm thinking long-term, and I think she's much more able to cope than she could a few years ago.
So, she screams for a predictable 15 minutes each time, like it's the end of the world, like she's being tortured or something. Then, it's silent for a few minutes, and she either goes to playing in her room or she walks out and joins us, "a different little girl."
After 3 weeks of me doing virtually nothing to prevent ANY meltdowns, with her having at least one meltdown per day, and implementing this repetitive procedure for handling it..... she has reduced her screaming/crying to about 5 to 10 minutes! I truly believe that over time, it will reduce even more. I just have to be patient and consistent with this approach. And I have to say, there is no way she could've handled this a few years ago. I know, because I tried! It honestly made it worse at that time, because she was just melting down too often to feel a sense of normalcy in her own life. The technique of diversion is very important through the younger years!
If you don't have an Aspie child, and you're reading this, I can assume you likely think I just spoiled her to get her to this point. Not true. Aspies do not like change, and when I say that, I mean they REALLY don't like change. That means, if they anticipate an event, it darned well better happen that way, or it's "the end of the world." And they really feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.
So, while you continue to prevent meltdowns, keep this approach in mind, for a day in the future when your child is at least able to better handle things. We're kind of "going cold turkey." It has added a little bit of craziness to my days again, but I am focused on long-term.
It reminds me of when I nursed my kids until they were two years old. In the news a few years ago, there was a woman in Illinois who was nursing her boy at 5 years old, and social services had to get involved so that she would stop. Imagine that here. There comes a certain point when you're handicapping your child if you don't "go cold turkey," meaning you put a halt to the extra comfort you can provide.
As always, I'd love to hear your stories related to this topic, in the comments section below or in email!
