Muslim Aspies

Preventing Meltdowns VS Allowing Meltdowns

2008-11-11T10:17:00.001-08:00

In my family, I am "The Master" at preventing my kids meltdowns. I seem to anticipate almost everything, knowing so much about my kids thought process, etc.

So, recently, I re-tried an approach that I tried a few years ago on my 7 year old daughter.

I decided she NEEDS the experience of handling disappointments. I recognized this before, but she just wasn't "ready" for it.

The meltdowns are a major issue. She needs to learn how to "comfort" herself. For instance, she is terrible at falling asleep. My youngest is superb at falling asleep, and can "comfort" himself, just lay down, and find ways to cope with it, etc. With her, I have to explain, explain, explain what to do to fall asleep. Basics, like "close your eyes." To a certain point, it's just her fighting it, not really wanting to sleep. Who does at that age? But she is very strong-willed. She also finds it very difficult to do.

Most moms of Aspies will tell you how important it is to be able to prevent most meltdowns, just to have a somewhat "normal" life. However, eventually, the child can mature past them, with patience, patience, patience.

I often think ahead to my children being married, and how important it will be that they are socially mature enough to handle the ups and down of marriage. We as women often complain about men, but we are the ones who raised these same boys! So, I use it to thump myself in the head with the importance of behavioral issues, specifically the ability to have a good temperment.

So, I tried it, and it worked well. So, I thought I'd share:

She starts screaming/crying about some disappointment (usually not getting what she wants). I walk her to her room, telling her during the trip that "you can come out and join us when you stop screaming. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. But it's not okay to scream about things you don't like."

One thing you don't want to do is give your child attention while they're in time out, which can include you simply explaining what I explained above. So, give your mini-lecture BEFORE the time-out begins, i.e., before you walk away.

She has had these screaming fits before, many times over the years. I figure it's just going to take her longer than N.T.'s (neuro-typicals, i.e. 'normal' kids). So, it's paying off.

I don't display anger at the meltdowns any more - it's just a routine. Believe me, I get tempted to comment back on something she'll say. I get tempted to "say the right words" to help her see that what I'm doing IS fair. There are all kinds of temptations to get me to talk to her. Kicking the door has required me to intervene. But now, I don't. Because I'm thinking long-term, and I think she's much more able to cope than she could a few years ago.

So, she screams for a predictable 15 minutes each time, like it's the end of the world, like she's being tortured or something. Then, it's silent for a few minutes, and she either goes to playing in her room or she walks out and joins us, "a different little girl."

After 3 weeks of me doing virtually nothing to prevent ANY meltdowns, with her having at least one meltdown per day, and implementing this repetitive procedure for handling it..... she has reduced her screaming/crying to about 5 to 10 minutes! I truly believe that over time, it will reduce even more. I just have to be patient and consistent with this approach. And I have to say, there is no way she could've handled this a few years ago. I know, because I tried! It honestly made it worse at that time, because she was just melting down too often to feel a sense of normalcy in her own life. The technique of diversion is very important through the younger years!

If you don't have an Aspie child, and you're reading this, I can assume you likely think I just spoiled her to get her to this point. Not true. Aspies do not like change, and when I say that, I mean they REALLY don't like change. That means, if they anticipate an event, it darned well better happen that way, or it's "the end of the world." And they really feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.

So, while you continue to prevent meltdowns, keep this approach in mind, for a day in the future when your child is at least able to better handle things. We're kind of "going cold turkey." It has added a little bit of craziness to my days again, but I am focused on long-term.

It reminds me of when I nursed my kids until they were two years old. In the news a few years ago, there was a woman in Illinois who was nursing her boy at 5 years old, and social services had to get involved so that she would stop. Imagine that here. There comes a certain point when you're handicapping your child if you don't "go cold turkey," meaning you put a halt to the extra comfort you can provide.

As always, I'd love to hear your stories related to this topic, in the comments section below or in email!

My "Different Little Girl"

2008-11-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

My seven year old is finally 'relaxing' and talking to the other girls. It's a major milestone for us. She told us this week that "they said I'm a different little girl. I'm not a different girl."

LOL, she took it literally (a typical Aspie trait)! I explained to her what they must've meant.

At this point, some weeks, she still wouldn't talk to anyone much, and mumbled when she did, so I bribed her with a reward if she were to talk. That's when she really made progress! (But the rewards/bribes didn't seem to help at all, at first, because it took her until this point in her life where she had the ability to cope with social skills outside of family ties.)

I'd love to hear your stories of success - even the little moments - because they mean so much! Please leave a comment or email me, because often, only another parent of an Aspie can really "get it" and appreciate some of the little milestones!

How to Brush Teeth

2008-10-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

Question:

How do you teach an Asperger's child to brush their teeth without swallowing the toothpaste? Our six year old still swallows it every time.

My Answer:

I've actually been asked this question several times. The ability to spit out water is like an "instinct" for the N.T. (neurotypical/non-Aspie), but a real motor skills challenge for the typical Aspie.

We've actually had great success on this matter in my family, despite the kids initial difficulty with it, so, insha'Allah (God willing), I thought I'd share my method.

I had mine practice with the cup and water when not brushing. I told them to lean over the sink so that it would "fall out" of their mouth. I demonstrated it two ways: spitting, and then letting it just fall out. (If you leave out the detail about bending over the sink, they'll just drop the water all over their shirt, so be warned!)

I told them that all I want them to do for now is let it fall out. Then, I gave the cup of water and started saying "SPIT IT OUT!" the second it went in their mouth. Of course, they swallowed it accidentally the first several times, me coaching and everything.

I know it sounds like contradiction to tell them to "spit" when what I really want is for them to drop it out of their mouth. But it was intentional, because I wanted them to think that spitting was that easy (as easy as dropping it out). Sometimes the pressure is just too much. So, I look for baby steps and reward them. I expect it to be a teaching session for things like this, unlike NT kids who can just watch you and do it. Gifted children tend to overthink everything, and it can be similar here.

But I kept at it until it was remotely close and considered it a good baby step and rewarded with "Good job!"

The next time for brushing, I did the exact same thing, as though they were learning all over again. It just doesn't come natural, so it takes more instruction!

Consistent, patient.... only yelling was to say, "Spit!" (but they were to let it fall out). Basically, I was teaching them to put water in and immediately let it fall out. It honestly didn't take long for their reflexes to kick in and turn it into a spit, since I would occasionally demonstrate it.

But I think the key is constant supervision until they get it right several times.

Then, once they get it right, you still have to "spot check" their brushing, because they may develop obsessive or bad habits. For instance, my seven year old tried to drag it out into a 15 minute ritual, brush weakly and spit over and over. I gave more specific instructions, and insisted that the process be changed (or there was no way she was going to change one of her new rules lol). So, I think we've finally got it right!! Alhamdulillah!! (All praise is due to God!!)

I think I may have said something like, "If you don't do what I'm saying, I'm gonna brush your teeth for you! It's that important!!" And, uh, they knew I was serious. That seems to be my frequent come-back for the most resistant moments: "Do it, or I'll do it for you!"

The "Three Times" Rule

2008-10-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Aspies live by rules. This accounts for what is described as "rigidity to rules" and "stubbornness." Each aspie has their own "set of life rules" that they constantly apply to situations.

Our family has a "three times" rule for alot of things for our children. For instance, if the child is learning something new, something that NT (neurotypicals/non-Aspies) take for granted and practically do instinctually, we apply this "three times" rule.

I think it is an important rule, because after all the work I do for them to get it right once, and all the work they do to stick to it, it goes a long way to re-inforce the success by repeating it immediately.

Which means: show me three times in a row that you can do something new, and not until then will I let you do it without my supervision.

My kids used to want to give up the second they get it. But now, they tend to remember that I'm going to ask them to do it several more times, with a consistent goal for them. They actually become more determined to complete it three times in a row, but they used to fall apart if I asked them to do it again.

If three times in a row is too hard at the time, I reduce it to just getting it (whatever "it" is) right three times at all. If that's too hard, we quit, because I don't want them to become too frustrated. I like to keep learning as fun as possible.

These rules are good for the following (once they've been able to get it right at least once):

tying their shoe
brushing their teeth
combing a lock of hair
practicing social skills in pretend conversation (like proper greetings, please/thank you)
shaking hands
any goal you have. reinforcement is important, and having this consistent rule is very important for an Aspie.

Your consistent rule could be something other than three times, but I do hope this gives you ideas to help organize an Aspie's life. :)

Meal time for Aspie Kids

2008-10-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

Meal time is a very difficult time for parents of children with Asperger's Syndrome. Imagine the autistic child who is obsessed with neatness and order. Well, Aspies have a similar trait in that they must have things just as they envision it in their head, or they "lose it" with meltdowns. An Aspie meltdown is unmatched by a "neuro-typical" (non-Aspie) child's meltdown. It involves absolute doom and gloom, as though they just lost their best friend or the most un-just thing in the world has just happened to them. They feel it sincerely and aren't just acting out.

So I thought I'd share a few simple tips that have helped our mealtime to be as enjoyable as possible.

First, we engage every single meal with the same set of plates. If I had thought ahead, I would've bought them all in the same color, so that wouldn't be an issue for every single meal! I mean, you expect that in a three year old, but Aspie kids tend to hold on to these issues longer into life. The good news is that they (insha'Allah) eventually outgrow them. This is all part of them fighting change and a very strong need for control over their environment.

The plates we use have dividers, so that there are three compartments for their food. Three nice, neat compartments, lol. They can't STAND having the food touch one another, and this is an excellent tool for that.

In addition, the three compartments has lended itself to a pretty good method of introducing new foods. As anyone with Aspies will tell you - Aspies are typically resistant to trying new foods. They will literally eat the same exact foods every day if you let them!

So, what we do, is use two compartments to place foods we KNOW they'll eat and then use the third compartment to introduce a new food or to put food we know they resist, to help them get more exposure to it. My pickiest eater has learned to pick at the third compartment of food, which is a huge step for us. Eventually, after picking at a particular food for a few meals, he makes a breakthrough and will accept a new food.

I know that this might sound like no big deal to most parents, but if your kids have Asperger's Syndrome, this topic is huge, because sometimes our whole lives revolve around preventing their meltdowns.

The real joy comes with patience and persistance, and then watching it pay off, little by little. You have to have realistic expectations and adjust them for each child.

Is Asperger's Autism?

2008-10-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Is Asperger's Syndrome really autism? The official medical answer is that it is an "autism spectrum disorder." Many people just lump it all together.

However, if you ask me, it's like asking "Is a cold really pneumonia?" and then answering it with, "Yes, a cold is high functioning pneumonia." It seems pointless. The two things are different enough that they shouldn't be interchangeable.

My family does not have autism. We have asperger's. I find it an important distinction, because it makes a mockery of autism to lump us all together. People with autism, by definition, are "non-functioning," meaning they can't manage their own daily needs by themselves in any long-term, sustainable way. This is the serious cases that you see, where the person is unable to speak or communicate in a meaningful way with others. That is autism.

Then you have "highly functioning autism." What are the differences between Asperger's Disorder and 'High Functioning' (i.e. IQ > 70) Autism?

It is believed that in Asperger's Disorder

onset is usually later
outcome is usually more positive
social and communication deficits are less severe
circumscribed interests are more prominent
verbal I.Q. is usually higher than performance I.Q. (in autism, the case is usually the reverse)
clumsiness is more frequently seen
family history is more frequently positive
neurological disorders are less common

The medical community explains Asperger's as being "on the autism spectrum." I can understand the importance of studying the similarities. But if you call my child autistic, I think I'll have a fit.

And, I think that if I had an autistic child and see someone with Asperger's being called autistic, I think I'd have a fit, too! In a truly autistic meltdown! Can anyone else relate with this?

There is a family "with 6 autistic children." However, when you look into it, you find that several of them are Asperger's. I think that makes a huge difference in describing the situation. We all tip our hats to their situation, but the description of 6 autistic children is misleading. Autism is a much more extreme condition than Aspergers.

What do you think about calling individuals with Asperger's autistic? Does it even matter to you?

Are Aspies Violent?

2008-10-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

Are Aspies Violent? That's like asking if tall people are violent. Sure, some tall people are violent. But whether or not they're tall has nothing to do with it.

Sure, some Aspies (those with Asperger's Syndrome) are violence. But most are not, and any violent tendencies would be labeled with another disorder and not be exclusive in any way to Asperger's.

Many people with Asperger's are the sweetest most considerate people you'll ever meet. When I was a kid (I'm Aspie), I found it upsetting to step on an ant, because I felt they had as much right to existence as me. I was upset to find out that sometimes you couldn't avoid stepping on them, and it took me years to come to grips with that fact (basically, I outgrew it).

I've had dogs that I have trained and never hit, even though when I was a kid, family members would sometimes hit the dog. However, I found that positive reinforcement went a LONG way, and I was able to teach my dog to do several tricks without hitting even once.

I've seen some discussion about the possibility of males with Aspergers having a tendency towards violence. However, I think it is simply a reaction to depression, whereas clinically depressed women tend to internalize their anger and take it out on themselves, like overeating, overspending, etc. Are Aspies more depressed than the general population? It would totally depend on their support system, wouldn't it?

I am sad to report that there was recently an Aspie Muslim who decided to commit suicide and take others out with him, i.e. terrorism. Clearly Islam condemns suicide, but as we know, sometimes people become very desperate or obsessed with faulty reasons to commit this horrendous crime. I really hate to mention this, but here goes:

"...the 22-year-old, who suffers from Asperger's syndrome, admitted the attack on the Giraffe restaurant in May this year.

...Friends say that as a boy he tended to retreat into a fantasy world. He was obsessed with James Bond, and he would imagine himself as a super-spy....

friends claim his mental health deteriorated after he split with his first serious girlfriend. He harmed himself and was admitted to local mental health services." - Guardian.co.uk

What do you think? Do you think that Aspies are any more inclined towards violence than the general population? Why or why not?